"One of the most important concepts in REBT is secondary
disturbance: when you upset yourself about getting upset. For example, you may
notice that you are anxious, then you may feel shameful about being anxious.
The secondary disturbance, i.e., shame, creates an even greater disturbance
than the first, and you keep it longer.
If you ever tell yourself, I must not get upset, or I can't stand
this depression, you are creating a secondary disturbance. Sometimes addictive
behavior can be a secondary, or even tertiary, disturbance. An example is when
you tell yourself, I can't stand this stress; I've got to drink. When you find
yourself disputing your irrational beliefs without benefit, you also may be
upset at an upset. Your secondary upset is preventing your disputing from being
effective."
(Reprinted from the Jan.. 1999 SMART Recovery News & Views
Newsletter
From "Three Minute REBT: REBT and Secondary Disturbances
By Philip Tate, Ph.D. Editor,
and Author, Alcohol: How to Give It Up and Be Glad You Did )
Some suggestions:
The first step is to be aware of your secondary disturbance.
The second step is to analyze your belief that creates your
secondary upset. What is it that is getting me upset at my depression, anxiety,
drinking, etc. ?
Next, dispute the irrational belief. For example, dispute the
belief that you must not be disturbed, or that you can't stand stress (or a
craving). The resulting effective new belief may be: I can stand this stress; I
don't like it, but I can stand it.
A good result of this process is greater self-acceptance. You can
accept that you are a fallible creature, that you might create self-defeating
feelings and acts, and that this doesn't mean that you are a weak or 'bad'
person. Dealing with the secondary upset may be necessary to get started on the
primary upset!
---------------
Sorting out primary and secondary emotions arising out of
disturbances often leaves me exhausted. I seem to combine them without
realizing I'm doing it. I have often found myself getting so confused about
what I'm disputing that frustration at myself takes over. I end up asking
myself what's wrong with you, why can't you sort this out? It's self-defeating
and demoralizing.
I've found a way to get around this self-defeating cycle by just
allowing myself to feel. For example, I'm stressed out, as a result I start
feeling anxious, anxiety leads to fear which leads to anger. It snowballs into
something I feel is too overwhelming to understand. Examining all of these
emotions can be very hard for me. It's too overwhelming for me to dissect at
the moment.
What I've learned is that I must slow down, stop, and feel. If I
need to cry about it, I just cry; if I'm angry, I get angry and do something to
let it out; if I'm anxious, I take deep breaths and meditate. I have found that
actions work better for me than mental disputations. I must accept that I will
feel things, that it's normal, that I'm not wicked or unusual and it doesn't
matter whether my emotions are primary or secondary.
In the end, what ends up happening is if I respond to my emotions
in a healthy active way, I can better understand them later. I don't have to
understand them now. Sometimes it takes hours or even days before I can fully
appreciate what caused them. As long as I have a way to accept them and relieve
them without alcohol. I let the dust settle and my mind is better able to
clarify them so that the next time, I can stop it dead in its tracks!
I'm not sure if this is the "right" way of doing things.
For now, it's the best I can do for myself. I'm not exactly an intellect as I
am so much emotional. Weeding through emotions for me is more difficult than
trying to get rid of grubs in my yard!
This is a great insight you've posted. Dealing with what upsets us
isn't all rational and analytical, and people have expressed difficulty
reconciling their emotions with that.
I think the key is your comment about expressing them in a healthy
way, and in accepting them without becoming "self-defeating and
demoralizing." The emotions themselves are neither good nor bad, but the
beliefs that underlie them can lead to urges. I can either separate my response
to the emotion from the urge--compartmentalize it, deal with it later, and do
something practical about the urge like distract myself-- or I can dispute it
right now.
When it's gotten to the point of anxiety or feeling overwhelmed,
it can be a little daunting to sit down and do an analysis of your beliefs, or
review a cost-benefit analysis. What you really want to do is tear your hair
out, go mutilate some unsuspecting shrubbery, or scream at someone.
With anger, in particular, I believe that most arises from
frustration, from feeling a loss of control over events (or people), or from
embarrassment or humiliation. If I can pinpoint that source of the anger, I
might be able to defuse it by disputing the irrational basis ("my kids
should never do that; that driver needs to learn a lesson").
My own experience with kids is that much of our anger that we
direct at them comes from frustration about poor communication or their
seemingly brain-damaged actions, or from the creeping loss of control they
bring to our lives. I remember the day my daughter was born, I had an odd
feeling in the pit of my stomach: the beginning of the anxiety of parenthood,
coupled with the joy of a new birth. I realized that it was the feeling that I
had just lost a measure of control over my life, and gained immeasurable
responsibility over another one.
That loss of control only increases in magnitude as they get to
the teen years. I've found I'm better able to go with the flow of what I call
"controlled chaos" now that I'm sober. After all, before I didn't
want anything to disrupt my carefully planned evenings of drinking. I'm not
exactly Mister Spontaneity now, but I can do things on the spur of the moment,
and I can accept the sudden 'needs' and desires teens have much better.
Every site I've found on anger management recommends dealing with
the unhealthy rage first: take a break or a time out; do breathing or
visualization exercises--whatever it takes to calm the physiological aspects of
anger, since it is a genuine physical condition as well as an emotional upset.
THEN you can try to express your feelings about the source of the anger in a
non-confrontational setting IF possible.
Since that isn't always possible, finding a way to either relieve
the pent-up frustration, or accept the unchangeable situation, can be the key
to our own serenity (and to avoiding becoming petty and passive-aggressive!).
When one of my friends was going through a nasty divorce, she went
and bought cheap coffee mugs from thrift stores so she and her teens could just
go in the back yard and smash the crockery. The humor of the situation helped,
too.
Of course, showing the grubs or weeds in your lawn no mercy can be
an effective way of redirecting your anger and embracing a healthy hobby at the
same time!
She replies:
One of the biggest things I've learned recently with my children
is that when they ask me a question or permission to do something, it's okay
for me to say, "Let me think about it". I don't have to respond
immediately. I'm so used to reacting immediately and have realized that doing
so is not always what the best answer is because I'm reacting to my emotions
and thoughts at that moment rather than taking in the whole picture.
For example, my 10 year old asked me, "Can I go to the pool
with my friend? His Mom is going to drop us off and pick us up in 2
hours." My instant answer would have been, "No way! You're not old
enough! You've never been to the pool alone. You know better than that!"
Instead, I said, "Give me 5 minutes to think about it." I went outside,
thought about the fact that yes, he's 10, he knows how to swim, he's not a risk
taker, the pool allows children 10 and older to swim without parents present,
he's never proven to me that he can't be trusted and how long will I keep him
from going alone if I don't let him go now?
Conclusion, "Yes, you can go to the pool. However, please be
safe, don't go in the deep end, and follow all the safety rules of the pool.
Most of all, have a good time!" In the end, he had a great time and was
grateful that I gave him the opportunity to feel like a "big kid".
I'm learning to use this on my urges to drink as well. The thought
to drink doesn't have to be stopped immediately. I need to feel the urge,
understand that it's normal, step back from it and often times distract myself
so that I can think about it later. I thought about it the other day and
followed this process and found it worked perfectly.
When I went back to the thought of drinking, not only had the urge
disappeared but found out that my desire to drink was due to the anxiety I was
feeling over doing back-to-school shopping. Silly, but the truth. You're right,
I found humor in it at that point and got myself in the car soon thereafter and
did some of that shopping that was causing me to feel anxious.
Maybe in time, I'll be able to dispute things immediately. At this point I'm not able to do it without risking a frustration level that I'm unable to understand and cause urges that I may not be able to defeat. I believe this doesn't make me stupid or unable to utilize the tools, only that I have to adapt them to the capabilities that I have.