We donÕt make personal changes
in a vacuum. We have families, we have significant others, we have friends,
colleagues, acquaintances. Once we have initiated and begun to make changes in
ourselves it will have effects on the others in our lives.
Change will almost invariably
create anxiety to some degree. How best to help, how best to minimize conflict
and anxiety, how best to keep together the "good" in our
relationships without allow the natural anxiety of change from pulling it apart?
What follows contains edited
excerpts from Chronic Anxiety and Defining A Self ‰ÛÓ An Introduction to Family
System Theory by Michael E. Kerr, published in The Atlantic Monthly, September
1988.
Dr. Murray Bowen, a professor
of psychiatry at Georgetown University Medical Center, sees the family not as a
collection of autonomous entities, but rather an interlocked emotional unit. He
developed the concept and perspective of family systems.
The emotional interdependence
of families means that we function in reciprocal relationships. One example is
where one member will act "strong" in the face of anotherÕs ÒweaknessÓ.
One member becomes anxious about a problem or perceived problem in another.
This anxiety then exaggerates the demeanor, appearance and attitude of the
anxious one and further escalates the Problem/Anxiety/Caretaker cycle. This
then results in a greater "caretaker" role which further enhances the
Òweakness" of the other. Each person becomes an emotional prisoner of the
other while giving a pseudo sense of togetherness.
When making personal changes,
focus attention and have strategies in place to address the family unit. When
one person makes a change in the system it will have effects on the other
person's role. Those effects may be subtle or intense, and will create
stresses.
The goal derived from the
family systems theory is to gain differentiation or individuality while
maintaining togetherness. Differentiation is our desire to be an individual
-- to grow to be an emotionally
separate person. Togetherness is also an equally strong force to keep families
emotionally connected and operating in "concert"--and these desires
are often in conflict.
At one end of the spectrum are
people that live in a feeling world.
Some however may be so
sensitized that they become numb. In general, people at this level are so
responsive to others' opinions and what others want from them that their
functioning is almost totally governed by their emotional reactions.
At the other end are people
directed by goals and principles.
They have certain
characteristics which we can consider emotional goals to strive for:
* While sure of beliefs and convictions, they
are not dogmatic or fixed in their thinking.
* Capable of hearing and evaluating the
viewpoints of others, they can discard old beliefs in favor of new ones, can
listen without reacting and communicate without antagonizing.
* Secure -- functioning is not affected by
praise or criticism.
* Respect the identity of another without
becoming critical or emotionally involved in trying to modify that personÕs
life course.
* Able to assume responsibility, but do not try
to become overly responsible for others.
* Realistically aware of dependence on others
and free to enjoy relationships.
* Do not have a "need" for others, and
others do not feel used by them.
* Tolerant and respectful of differences; not
prone to engage in polarized debates.
* Realistic in assessments of themselves and
others, and expectations. Not preoccupied with their places in the family
hierarchy.
* Tolerate intense feelings well and do not
automatically act to alleviate them.
Most people wish to be
individuals but are not willing to give up togetherness altogether. Sometimes
we are only willing to express our individualism to the extent that family
members permit or allow it. Giving up togetherness does not mean giving up
emotional closeness. One simply becomes less dependent on the support and
acceptance of others.
Some degree of rejection
predictably occurs when a person embarks on a path of "changeÕ. The
rejection is designed to restore the balance--regardless of how healthy that
previous 'balance' was. Most people have a natural aversion to change, in
themselves and others. Consciously planning for this resistance, and tolerating
intense emotional reactions, makes us less likely to just give up on enacting
change....
These intense feelings are fed
by the "fear of what might be". Here arises the trap. When people
become more anxious, the pressure for togetherness increases.
During high anxiety periods
human beings strive to think and act alike. This is true in societies as well
as families! Expressing your desire to be an individual is even more likely to
meet resistance during highly anxious periods. Others become more intent on
getting you to do things their way, often resulting in disappointment and
anger.
Feelings of being overloaded
and overwhelmed increase when we try to be individuals, to separate ourselves
emotionally‰Û¦.Addictive behavior can be seen as a form of emotional
separation; a numbing of our emotions, withdrawing, and simply giving up.
When we try to get others to
change it can escalate--they feel criticized and defensive, and often
counterattack. Each blames the other. Projecting one's feelings and attitudes
onto another may relieve your anxiety -- it allows you to view another as the
problem, but this can be a mixed blessing. It may increase the anxiety in
others.
Efforts at stress management
often include outside or group activities--simply turning away from the family
unit. These efforts can be useful adjuncts, but the problem with using a group
in this way is that your improvements may depend on maintaining the group
relationship. And this may overlook the cause of the stress.
So, how to break this natural
cycle?
* You can become more aware of your own part in
whatever problems exist, become willing to assume responsibility for that part,
and become more able to act on that basis.
* Recognize that your functioning within the
family is not contingent on others absorbing their share of the familyÕs
immaturity.
* Remove your personal "demandingness"
even when the problem is not yours.
* Recognize the desire for emotional closeness
and act toward that goal, yet maintain separate and individual
responsibilities.
* Accept others, yet support and encourage
change.
* Recognize this process may contain events of
intense emotion and reactivity.
All of this helps you become a
calm, accepting, responsible individual who has a gradual calming effect on
others. People are keenly aware and sensitive to the emotional states of others
and make automatic adjustments in response to yours.